A Financial Windfall

Well well well my loyal half dozen, I do believe my karma has changed and my ship has indeed finally come in. This morning I received the following communication:

Aalsalamalenkun

Greetings in the name of Allah, the beneficent,the merciful. I am Mrs Fatima Rasaq, Azeez a widow to Late Sheik Mohammed Rasaq Azeez, I am 74years old, I am now a born Muslim faithful, suffering from long time cancer of the breast, from all indications, that my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I won't live more than six months,because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage. My late husband was killed during the Gulf war, and during the period of our marriage we couldn't produce any child. My late husband was very wealthy andafter his death, I inherited all his business and wealth. The doctor has advised me that I may not live for more than six months,so I now decided to divide part of this wealth,to contribute to the propagation of Islam and in assisting the less-privileged Muslim faithfuland all humanity in Africa, Arabia, America, Asia and Europe. I selected you after visiting the website and I prayed over it, I discussed this with my Attorney, Tareq Amin I am willing to donate the sum of US$18,000000.00(Eighteen Million US Dollars) for the development of the holy word as well for distribution to aid faithful, through employment and also for the less privileged, including Muslim cancer patients. Please I want you to note that, this fund is lying in a Security Company in Asia,United Arab Emirate (UAE). For that, my lawyer Mr.Tareq Amin,We will file in application for the transfer of the money in your name as you wish.

Provided you are ready to use this money for this purpose.
You will therefore have to travel to Dubai, UAE, to sign for the
officialrelease of this money as well as advice on how you want the money remitted to you oryour organization. My Attorney would accompany you on this trip.

Lastly I honestly pray that this money when transferred will be used for thesaid purpose,because I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Allah is vanity upon vanity. If you have to die says the Allah, keep fit and I will give you the crown of life.

May the Grace of Allah be our guide and be my refuge when i leave this world. You should contact the security company in Dubai UAE where this cosignment is preseently deposited.

I awaits to hear from you.

Yours in Allah,
Mrs Fatima Rasaq.
C/o Barrister Tareq Amian

My reply was as follows:

Howdy,

Greetings in the name of The Whiskey and The Sexy. I am Daniel XXXXXXX, widower to the late Wonderbeagle Molly. I am 33 years old and a lapsed Catholic. I am sorry to hear of your ailments; I too stagger under many infirmities in this vale of tears. I suffer from defective lungs, a cranky colon, shattered ideals, a broken heart, and a cynical mind. My condition is deteriorating and it is quite obvious I will be barking mad by the time I reach the age of forty.

I am delighted you enjoyed my little plot in the internet. Tell me what pleased you the most? My sparkling prose? My incisive wit? The judicious sprinkling of amusing quizzes? I am open to any suggestions for improvement.

Now, to business... your proposition is quite noble, but I would like to make a counter offer. I have dedicated my remaining years of quasi-sanity to spreading The Whiskey and The Sexy wherever Southwest Airlines will take me and people will provide me a place to crash. And quite frankly Fatima (if I may be so bold as to address you thus), eighteen million U.S. dollars will purchase an un-fucking-believable amount of whiskey, sexy, and flat-out mayhem. With that kind of scratch and the help of a few trusted cohorts I could create a booze-soaked sexual frenzy of a Gotterdammerung that would make the Vikings look like Mormons and Ghengis Khan seem like Mother Teresa. It would truly be a lasting monument to all that is The Whiskey and The Sexy and The Bitch Godess of Women and Whiskey would smile on you for eternity.

Unfortunately, my current condition and my extreme aversion to heat, religious lunatics, and getting shot at prevent me from traveling abroad to your corner of the world. However, provided you are ready to use the money for my purpose you can travel to Quincy, MA, USA to arrange for the transfer of funds. A meeting in my 'offices' at XXX XXXXXX would simple enough to arrange and I can almost guarantee us a table in the back. Your lawyer Tareq Amin, my chief negotiator Bunny C. and my war-time consigliere Heather could quickly transact our business.

Lastly, I honestly pray that if I get my greedy monkey hands on this money I die without a single fucking penny of it left. As esteemed colleague Dr. Ken once said, 'we're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time.' It would be a goddam shame not to make the most this opportunity, wouldn't it?

May the Blessed Saints John Power and John Jameson be our guide and my refuge while I walk this world. You should contact me or leave a message at the establishment referenced above.

Can you dig it?

Staight outta Quincy,
Daniel XXXXXXX
c/o XXX XXXXXX Pub


A couple of brief notes. The XXXXs denote names and locations left out for security reasons. And I will of course, publish any further correspondence I have with the esteemed Ms. Rasaq.