Teach Your Children

Having washed out by-and-large as an actress, Madonna has turned to writing children's books. The first one, The English Roses is due out on September 15th.

Fair enough I suppose, and maybe she'll show some talent. But what brought me up short was this:

She said she began writing for children after struggling to find any books that were not "vapid and vacant" to read to her children, or that actually taught any lessons.

First of all, she must either be getting terrible advice on what to read to her children, or she's simply unable to successfully navigate a bookstore. The stacks are chock full of excellent reads for kids and so-called 'young adults' - Madeline L'Engle anyone? I, for one, would be happy to send her a detailed reading list, free of charge. Now on to my second point...

I cannot claim to speak for all of The Children - just those who grew from bloody-minded and contrary little rugrats into bloody-minded and contrary adult. And on behalf of this demographic I say, that as a child, I abso-fucking-lutely hated any attempts to mess up my entertainment by inserting 'lessons.'

I considered it a rotten adult trick, like the lies they told you in order to convince you to eat something ("Those cooked carrots will make you better") or the old canard "This medecine will taste yummy" or my all-time pre-shot favorite "This will only hurt a bit."

I knew where the lessons came from - Mom and Dad. If I wanted to learn one, I either asked them or get myself in trouble and received one gratis. But I did not want, under any circumstances, lessons in my entertainment.

Big Red didn't teach me anything, except maybe the common sense proposition that dogs are good and Grizzly Bears are bad. Davey and Goliath tried to teach me all sorts of things, and I hated that damn show. Sure I watched it - there was nothing else on that early in the morning, not even Captain Bob. But even at the age of five I knew Davey was a goddam stupe - jeebus, even his dog was smarter than him.

Parents are for teaching lessons, whether they're about friends, jealousy or sleepovers. Books are for expanding children's minds, for showing them how to dream and imagine. I've never been to the Wintapi - I'm sure it doesn't exist - but it's as real to me as the woods behind the house I grew up in. And that lesson - books can take you all sorts of places - is the best one for a kid to learn.