The Rules

On the day before Thanksgiving, both Heather and I posted entries that referred to the joys of having a local, a topic that is obviously both near and dear to our hearts (and to the hearts of others who belong to our little club.)

The local is far more than a mere place to get a drink. If it’s the drink that’s important, then stay at home – it’s cheaper. The company is the key here - it’s not for nothing that the local is alternately referred to as ‘the living room.’ Our local is the adult equivalent of the tree fort, the rickety clubhouse built back in the woods, the hidey-hole you had in your childhood home. In short, a place to get away from the stress of day-to-day life. A place where you can kick back, laugh and say any damn fool thing on your mind.

The local is the gathering place for celebrations of various sorts. The venue of choice (short of actual tickets) for Red Sox games – especially play-off games. If a member of the crew needs to introduce a new love interest, it’ll probably happen at the local. The local also serves a news source. Engagements, break-ups, career changes, major purchases are all announced there.

But there are rules to be observed. We prefer an orderly establishment, and do not wish our peaceful sojourns there to be disturbed by various kafuffles and nonsense. Hence the following RULES FOR THE LOCAL CLUB.

1st RULE: You do not talk about the LOCAL CLUB.
(It’s bad enough that there’s a Golden Tee machine infringing on the darts area. We don’t want too many outsiders crowded into our living room.)
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about the LOCAL CLUB.
(Yes, this includes your significant other – especially if you’re not sure whether or not he or she is actually significant. Leave them home – we don’t want any repeats of previous unfortunate incidents.)
3rd RULE: If someone says "I’m all set" or goes limp, cashes out their tab, their night is over.
(Everyone drinks according to their own pace and schedule. Some of us have to get up early.)
4th RULE: Only two people to a dart team.
(Or four people to a table on Trivia Night)
5th RULE: One drink at a time.
(Unless you’re backing up a whiskey with a beer.)
6th RULE: No whining, no crying, no boo-hooing.
(You may rant, bitch and complain all you want – but if you venture into ‘woe-is-me-land’, expect no pity)
7th RULE: Nights will go on as long as they have to.
(If need be, a helpful bartender will direct you to the rear exit after closing)
8th RULE: If this is your first night at the LOCAL CLUB, you HAVE to drink.
(And it would be in your best interest to buy a round for the rest of us).