Khaki Button Blues

Yesterday I went to the men's room at work. I stood in front of the urinal, unzipped my pants...and the button on my khakis popped off and dropped into the urinal.

This is my life.

From the Music Desk

Lucinda Williams - no slouch herself when it comes to songwriting - recognizes the talent that is Paul Westerbeg.

"He's one of the most underrated songwriters around, I think. Just a brilliant writer. He's just really good at combining literary lyrics -- really good lyrics -- set against a really cool, rock'n'roll musical bed."

Exactly.

Beagles Don't Dance

Check this out. See? See why I'm not a cat person?

Does this make any sense to you?

We can't simply put on music and expect that our cats will dance with us. We have to first align our dynamic vibration systems with theirs and bring those systems into a kind of confluence before we can build the energy levels through the dance that are necessary to attain the higher vibrationary states which enable us to channel the infinite power of the universe.

Did you understand that? Really? It made sense to you?

Get out. Go away. I don't want to know you. You will probably say something like this...

"One of the great barriers to dancing effectively with your cat, is allowing your thoughts and prejudices to interfere. I find ten minutes of deep purring completely stops skeptical thoughts by connecting me with my feline spirit within."

...and I'll be hard put not to visit some sort of violence upon you. So off with you. It's best for both of us.

You know why I like, indeed, why I love dogs? Because in addition to their many admirable traits such as loyalty, and a lack of guile, and affectionate natures...they do not dance.

When, on occasion, the rythm does in fact 'get me', and I shake my money maker about Chez Dan's - the Wonder Beagle does not join me. She is far too sensible for that. The vacuum cleaner is always worth a look, but a bobbing, bopping human? Not hardly. Oh sure, if I spin dangerously close to the Magic Cupboard her eyes may momentarily brighten. And if a spinning kick thingie a la David Lee Roth c. 1984 should pass over or near the Food Bowl, she may tense in brief anticipation. But she will not get off the couch.

You see: a dog will tolerate your follies, and love you in spite of them. A cat will actively encourage you - indeed lead you - into acting like a clown outfit.

That is all.

Thinking About Getting a Second Revolver to Keep Up With All This

I hope - I sincerely, truly and deeply hope - that this is not true. A remake of Casablanca is bad enough - a remake with Ben Affleck and J. Lo is too horrible to contemplate. Consider:

A friend said: "They are overjoyed at the propspect of being in Casablanca together.

"It is the chance for them to show how much they love each other through their on-screen chemistry."

Yup, that's me in the spotlight, retching into the wastebasket under my desk.

Reaching for My Revolver: Part Deux

This Sunday the Wonderful World of Disney will be airing a made-for-television version of Kay Thompson's Eloise. You can read it about it here (link requires registration).

I really don't understand why the precious literary memories of my childhood need to be strip-mined for ideas by brain-dead execs, who serve these abortions up to the public like a pile of dog shite on a China plate. How do I stop this? Does Mike Mulligan need to enter the Whitness Protection Program? Do I have to free the Ducklings? Do I need to give some one a serious sklonking?

If you're interested in the real Eloise, I recommend this edition.

Being bored is not allowed.

Mirror in the Bathroom

Actually the mirror (my full-length one) is leaning in the corner of my bedroom. But why miss a chance to reference the English Beat?

Anyhoo, the point is, I don't actually use the mirror all that often. Once in an eternity, when I actually have to wear a suit or pull my tux out of the closet, I might take a quick peek. But I don't even wear a tie on a daily basis, so mostly the mirror goes unused.

Except for my dog that is. For some as-yet-to-be-determined reason, the Wonder Beagle has taken to staring at herself in the mirror these past few weeks. The best part is, she always reacts like it's the first time she's seen such a thing (and for all I know it is the first time as far she's concerned - don't dogs lack a short-term memory?). While staring at herself, the Wonder Beagle always looks completely thrilled to have discovered this strange, shiny, reflecty thing . Which got me to thinking, wouldn't it be...interesting...to experience that kind of continual surprise from familiar favorites in our own lives? For example...

"What is this beverage you say? Jamesons? Certainly I'd be delighted to try some. brief pause Why...it's delicious..burning...and soothing...all at once. Yes.... yes, I would love another."

Or....

"Hmmm, you call this pork chops and baked po-tay-to? And this is sour cream? My word, what an exquisite combination! I simply must have this again."

Or...

"This thing you call The Sexy..will I..enjoy it? Is it pleasurable? I'm not much for exercise you know. Very well, I'll give it a whirl. extended break "Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. And yet again, wonderful. Can we do that again? Soon?"

I Am A Media Junky

Yessssss, I have a monkey on my back. Damages from this past weekend include...

More Fun in the New World - X
You really should own this CD already. If you've never heard any of their material, it's the perfect place to start. Every song on this disc is a keeper.

Ain't Love Grand - X
While not essential - and completely disowned by the band and many fans - this is not a bad CD. 'Burning House of Love' and 'What's Wrong With Me...' are especially fine songs.

The Princess Bride (Special Edition)
If you don't like this movie, you have a major malfunction. Leave here immediately.
Simply put this is a classic, a funny, clever flick that is perhaps, scene-for-scene, the most quotable movie ever made.

'Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.'

Reservoir Dogs - 10th Anniversary Special Limited Edition
In the ten years since this movie fist came out, Tarantino's style has been copied, cliched and pretty much absorbed into the mainstream. It's easy to forget how different this film was: a heist flick where we never see the heist; characters we know nothing about, not even their names; crooks who discuss Madonna and the ethics of tipping.... see this movie again - it's still Tarantino's best.

And there ya have it - how I scratched that particular itch this weekend. But I'm all set now. Really, I am.

Riiiight.

ADDENDUM

When I got in the Mach 5 at lunchtime (yes - I loved Speed Racer as a kid - and I'll continue to call my trusty Saturn the Mach 5 until someone buys me the real thing) I realized I left off a couple of items from the past weekend's media bender.

The Best of New Order - New Order
I needed something to bop my head to while I do ironing and other such house-holdy chores. Scary eh?

The Very Best of... -The Pogues
Best over all showcase of the Pogues available. Sure some of your favorites were probably left off - in particular I missed 'Lullaby of London' and 'Broad Majestic Shannon' - but it's a good stop gap until I can replace my long-gone copies of Rum Sodomy & the Lash and If I Should Fall From Grace With God.

Nina Simone: Requiescat In Pace

April 21, 2003 | NEW YORK (AP) --

Nina Simone, the jazz great whose rapsy, forceful voice helped define the civil rights movement, died Monday at her home in France, according to her U.S. booking agent. She was 70.

Though she remained a top concert draw in her later years, she was quite frail.

Eric Hanson, an agent with her U.S. booking agency Ted Kurland Associates, confirmed the death to The Associated Press.

At a 2001 concert at Carnegie Hall, she had to be helped to the stage, and was later seen sitting backstage in a wheelchair.

Simone spent much of her recent time in France.

She was survived by a daughter, Lisa, according to her personal manager, Clifton Henderson.

Thanks for the songs Ms. Simone.

I Have Been Less Than Diligent Today

Must be that 'day-before-a-long-weekend' thing. I did find some cool blogs though. Check out:

Gnome Girl

Lead and Gold

Utter Wonder

Tricksy

And I should also recommend Mimi Smartypants who makes me laugh just about every damn day.

Rock over London. Rock on Chicago.

That's When I Reach For My Revolver, or Some Movies I Will NOT be seeing this year

Think of the following as a public service. Consider yourself warned.

Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Now I'm all in favor of pirates (aargh says I) but a movie based on a Disney theme park ride? IS the idea-well that dry in script-writing land? What's next? The 'Return of the Tilt-a-Whirl? Bumper Cars: A Love Story?

Freaky Friday
Stop re-filming my childhood. Seriously. Enough.

Looney Tunes: Back In Action
Bugs Bunny and crew in the 'real world.' With Brendan Fraser. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. And yet again, Horrible.

The Cat in the Hat
For fuck's sake, STOP TAMPERING WITH MY BLOODY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES!

The Haunted Mansion
This is truly a vile and evil piece of work. Here's the brief descrpition from Dark Horizons:

Based on the famous Disneyland ride. A father who has previously neglected his family, encounters a ghost when he and his family visit a haunted house. The vision spooks him into a profound awareness of the importance of family.

So this monstrosity will probably be devoid of any real plot-structure but will somehow conspire to try and teach us all a heart-warming lesson about 'family values,' though how you can extract anything profound from a freaking AMUSEMENT PARK RIDE is completely beyond me. And guess who's starring - Eddie Murphy and Don Knotts. God and Baby Jesus, this film sounds totally putrid.

Yes, these are truly the End Times.

...From the Cinema Desk

As my cousin pointed, there are a lot of movies of with a lot of potential being released in the coming months. Thanks to the good folks at Dark Horizons I can make a list (and yes I do love lists) of all the flicks to check out in the rest of 2003 and their release dates.

Bullet Proof Monk April 16th
Hopefully my man Chow Yun-Fat has found an American film that measures up to his Hong Kong efforts.

A Mighty Wind April 16th
Christopher Guest has been doing achingly funny movies since This Is Spinal Tap. I expect this one to be at least as funny as it's predecessor, Best In Show.

Identity April 25th
This one could either way - but I like John Cusack and I'll generally see anything he does.

X2 May 2nd
This sequel to X-men will no doubt be easy on the mind as well as the eyes. Good spring brain candy.

The Matrix Reloaded May 15th
The chair I'm sitting in is a better actor than Keanu Reeves...but I'll be taking this one in anyway. Fishburne and Moss should counter-act Reeves' dark matter.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines July 2nd
Maybe this will revive Ah-nuld's career?

Sea Biscuit July 25th
The book (by Laura Hillenbrand) was first-rate; hopefully this adaptation will be also.

Kill Bill October 10th
The return of Quentin Tarantino. The trailer looks cool.

The Matrix Revolutions November 7th
The conclusion of the Matrix trilogy. And I don't even have to wait a year!

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World November 14th
I have very mixed feelings about this one. Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey-Maturin novels, one of which this film is based on, are perhaps my favorite books of all time. The thought of the characters I've come to know being mangled on screen is not pleasant. But Peter Jackson's work with The Lord of the Rings has given me hope that books can be brought to the screen without losing their unique essence that cause you to love them in the first place.

THe Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King December 17th
Yessssss my preciousssss we wants it....and trust that it will be better than the slightly disappointing Two Towers.

..From the Music Desk

It's cold and rainy, the Red Sox home opener was cancelled, and I still have to my taxes. All in all, not a very cheery evening to come.

So...some musical/retail therapy seems in order. Lucinda Williams' new CD 'World Without Tears' ins now available in stores and I'm going to pick up a copy on the way home. Those of you in the Boston area may have heard the single 'Righteously' played on 92.5 The River - a great tune.

Looking further down the road of musical goodness, Liz Phair is coming out with a new CD on June 24th, just in time to see me through my annual 'What's-Wrong-With-The-Red-Sox?' panic.

And while I'm tossing out musical recommendations, no CD collection is complete without some of the following:
Social Distortion
The Ramones
Sleater-Kinney
Johnny Cash
The Replacements

Rock over London. Rock on Chicago.

...From the Nostalgia Desk

Retrocrush does it again, inviting you to hop in the wayback machine with your boy Sherman, for a look at the Sexiest Album Covers of All Time (link via Scrubbles). Yes, here at Obscurorant it's all about bringing the Sexy to you.

...From the Gaming Desk

Celebdaq. Go and create your own portfolio. Right now I'm heavily invested in Madonna and Ozzie, along with some holdings in Kevin Spacey, Adrien Brody and J.K. Rowling. I still have some cash left, but I'm holding off on future buys for the moment.

Sully and Sully and O.B. go to Baltimore

This weekend's travels centered around baseball. And beer too, but baseball games provided our scheduling framework. Adam 'Bunny' C. and Georgie Snuggles picked me up at B.W.I. Airport and we zipped up the road to catch the home opener at Veteran's Stadium in Philadelphia.

About which the less said, the better. The stadium is hideous, it was freezing cold, and the game was terrible. We fled Philly as fast we could.

Now the Red Sox - Orioles game Saturday as a much different story. First of all, the were hordes of Sox fans there, in the streets, in the bars, in the stadium. It was like seeing a game at Fenway, except in a much better (i.e. comfortable) ball park. Everywhere we went we met fellow Sox fans, which led to exchanges like this:

'Hey, where you guys from? I live in Nantucket, raised in Norwood.'
'Nice to meet ya Norwood, I'm Braintree, and this is Quincy and Quincy.'
'Hey Joe, come over here and meet Braintree and Quincy and Quincy.

The nice thing about this phenomenon was that it allowed you to play what I've come to think of as No-mah Polo. Now, maybe you're familiar with the SNL skit that revolves around people murdering Nomar Garciarapara's name (say No-mah Gah-see-ah-pa-ra) in thick Boston accents? And perhaps you've played the game Marco Polo in your friend's pool, where one kid with his eyes shut yells out 'Marco!' and has to catch the others who reply 'Polo!' to give him a clue as to were they are?

Are you seeing what I'm getting at here?

It began as a running joke - everytime Nomar came to the plate, or made a play in the field, Bunny, Snuggles and I would yell out 'No-mah' or 'Nomah is wicked awesome' or some such thing and then much hooting, hollering, laughing and high-fiving would ensue.

But the best part is - we soon discovered that this whole No-mah business could serve as some sort of deranged birdcall. Everytime we'd stand and holler out No-mah some one else would call back Nomah and then more often than not run over to find out where we're from.

It was so enjoyable we kept on doing it long after we left the ballpark. In bars, in restaurants, as we drove about the streets - quite literally everywhere we went we served as ambassadors of the Red Sox Nation. And the results never failed to impress, because we never knew just who or what would pop out of the woodwork in response to our No-mah call. Some where around ten that evening, in a crowded bar called 'The Horse You Rode In On' we yelled out No-mah - and there was a brief silence - we thought we'd run out of fellow Sox fans. But then some guys poked their heads out from behind a brick wall and yelled back and the girls they were with started doing some weird sort of circular, hand waving dance while singing 'No-mah Gah-see-ah-para' to the tune of Hava Nagila, and all was well.

Do Not Disturb the Sexy

NAJAF, Iraq, April 2 — In the giddy spirit of the day, nothing could quite top the wish list bellowed out by one man in the throng of people greeting American troops from the 101st Airborne Division who marched into town today.

What, the man was asked, did he hope to see now that the Baath Party had been driven from power in his town? What would the Americans bring?

"Democracy," the man said, his voice rising to lift each word to greater prominence. "Whiskey. And sexy!"


-From the NY Times (link requires registration and thanks to Colin Wright for uncovering this gem).

Bring the whiskey and sexy indeed. That's very sound advice as far as I'm concerned, and I always do my damndest to bring the whiskey and the sexy with me . But the gentleman above is obviously waiting for this phase of Operation Iraqui Freedom.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

...I've been busy dammit. Work's been a killer this week. But I'm going away this weekend -ha ha hee hee ho ho - and I'm sure to return all fresh-faced and rejuvenated.

In the meantime - for those of you in the Boston area - there is a doo-wop legend among us. You can Little Joe Cook at one of his regular gigs at the Cantab Lounge in Cambridge. And if Little Joe and his Thrillers aren't your style, there's always the vinyl stylings of DJ Turn-ta-Bill downstairs.