Minutiae
Being a record of a dialogue with (mostly) myself while wandering through Stop n' Shop...
It's cold in here.
Called air conditioning, bud.
I know. I just don't think I should have to get all Mr. Rogers to avoid chilblains.
That woman isn't wearing a bra.
Obviously. Avert your eyes pig.
Obviously is right. Does she know how pointy she is?
Move along. You've business to attend to.
You need razorblades. You're almost out.
I know. They don't have the kind I need though.
True. They have all the knew stuff. For the Mach 3.
'Mach 3' my ass. Why is Gillette fucking with my head? Why do I need a three-bladed razor? Two blades work fine.
Remember what you heard that dude saying? This one has an electric current that lifts up your hairs. For a closer shave.
It electrifies my cheeks? I don't that need that. I'm kicking it alte schule with my Sensor. This is just a ploy to get me to buy something expensive that I don't need.
Like DVDs?
Shutup.
You'll get a closer shave if you switch.
A closer shave? How much closer could I shave? Who notices these things? Closer? Why don't they just invent a razor that peels off your top layer of skin?
Because then you'd resemble The Red Skull. People would cower. Children would scream. Bad scene that.
Whatever. Forget it. I'll get razorblades next time.
You don't need toothpaste. You just bought some last week.
I know. But at look at all these kinds of toothpaste, there's...hundreds of them. How do people choose? How do they make an informed decision about toothpaste?
It's toothpaste dumbass. Nobody makes 'informed' decisions about toothpaste. Except dentists. Everyone else just personal preference.
Well how could you know which one you prefer? There's so many to try. You could spend a life time... damn, look at all that fucking shampoo! Same thing.
Ummm, you can't even handle tomatoes dude; I wouldn't waste anytime freaking out over toiletries.
The tomato problem is solved. I can handle tomatoes my friend.
Right. This from the guy who presented a girlfriend with a scallion like it was the winning lottery ticket.
Hey - I got the right mushrooms that time too. And I have a procedure for tomatoes.
You have a Tomato Procedure?
Yes. An official Tomato Procedure. Red. Round. No bigger than my fist.
What about the yellowish ones?
Stop it.
Or the cherry tomatoes?
Stop it! You know I pretend not to see those.
Allright then. You've mastered tomatoes. I notice you never go to the deli counter though.
Fuck the deli counter. Waaaaayyy too complicated.
You are such the gourmand. It's impressive. Really.
Why do you think they have a whole aisle dedicated to pasta? And canned soup. All in one aisle. For people like me. I don't need the deli counter. It's fascist.
You're lucky you don't think out loud.
Where the hell are the Q-tips?
Not in this section. You've been up and down these aisles four times.
Well, they should be here! This is where the bathroom stuff is. Logically, Q-tips should be here.
Clearly they're not.
Clearly Stop n' Shop is hiding the Q-tips. They treat Q-tips like that mad wife bricked up behind the wall.
You scare me.
Never mind. This guy works here. I'll ask him. Excuse me, can you tell me what aisle Q-tips are in?
Q-tips? Umm... you know, cotton swabs?
Donde este la Q-tips?
That's ok. Thanks anyways.
I cannot believe you said that.
Why? That sounded like Spanish he was speaking.
How the hell would you know? You don't speak Spanish. He could be Haitian for all you know.
He's sooo not Haitian. Haitians speak French. I speak French. I would know if he was speaking French.
You most emphatically do not speak French.
Huh? I studied French. For years.
You dropped French. You switched majors because you didn't want to take anymore French.
Nevermind. And bugger the Q-tips.
Forget the Q-tips eh? So you've been here 20 minutes and have...?
Milk. This container of milk.
Why is there no pita bread to be had? A whole wall of bread..but no pita!
It's probably in another aisle. Try foreign foods.
Again, this is insane. Who designs these layouts? Who makes these decisions? Rainman?
Look there. See? Q-tips.
I see. Right next to the baby formula. First place I'd look.
Makes sense. Babies need Q-tips
It makes no mind of sense. Q-tips are for everyone.
Lookee here. People magazine says Lindsay Lohan is 'Young, Rich and in Love."
Hah. She's eighteen. She wouldn't know love if it jumped up and bit her on her ludicrous breasts. What the hell are her parent doing?
They're busy pimping her out.
That lady keeps bumping into me.
She's too busy talking on her cellphone to notice.
I notice. It's annoying.
Stay cool. The cashier is almost done.
I am cool. But that lady should put the phone away.
Why?
Her child is eating some sort of packaging material.
It's cold in here.
Called air conditioning, bud.
I know. I just don't think I should have to get all Mr. Rogers to avoid chilblains.
That woman isn't wearing a bra.
Obviously. Avert your eyes pig.
Obviously is right. Does she know how pointy she is?
Move along. You've business to attend to.
You need razorblades. You're almost out.
I know. They don't have the kind I need though.
True. They have all the knew stuff. For the Mach 3.
'Mach 3' my ass. Why is Gillette fucking with my head? Why do I need a three-bladed razor? Two blades work fine.
Remember what you heard that dude saying? This one has an electric current that lifts up your hairs. For a closer shave.
It electrifies my cheeks? I don't that need that. I'm kicking it alte schule with my Sensor. This is just a ploy to get me to buy something expensive that I don't need.
Like DVDs?
Shutup.
You'll get a closer shave if you switch.
A closer shave? How much closer could I shave? Who notices these things? Closer? Why don't they just invent a razor that peels off your top layer of skin?
Because then you'd resemble The Red Skull. People would cower. Children would scream. Bad scene that.
Whatever. Forget it. I'll get razorblades next time.
You don't need toothpaste. You just bought some last week.
I know. But at look at all these kinds of toothpaste, there's...hundreds of them. How do people choose? How do they make an informed decision about toothpaste?
It's toothpaste dumbass. Nobody makes 'informed' decisions about toothpaste. Except dentists. Everyone else just personal preference.
Well how could you know which one you prefer? There's so many to try. You could spend a life time... damn, look at all that fucking shampoo! Same thing.
Ummm, you can't even handle tomatoes dude; I wouldn't waste anytime freaking out over toiletries.
The tomato problem is solved. I can handle tomatoes my friend.
Right. This from the guy who presented a girlfriend with a scallion like it was the winning lottery ticket.
Hey - I got the right mushrooms that time too. And I have a procedure for tomatoes.
You have a Tomato Procedure?
Yes. An official Tomato Procedure. Red. Round. No bigger than my fist.
What about the yellowish ones?
Stop it.
Or the cherry tomatoes?
Stop it! You know I pretend not to see those.
Allright then. You've mastered tomatoes. I notice you never go to the deli counter though.
Fuck the deli counter. Waaaaayyy too complicated.
You are such the gourmand. It's impressive. Really.
Why do you think they have a whole aisle dedicated to pasta? And canned soup. All in one aisle. For people like me. I don't need the deli counter. It's fascist.
You're lucky you don't think out loud.
Where the hell are the Q-tips?
Not in this section. You've been up and down these aisles four times.
Well, they should be here! This is where the bathroom stuff is. Logically, Q-tips should be here.
Clearly they're not.
Clearly Stop n' Shop is hiding the Q-tips. They treat Q-tips like that mad wife bricked up behind the wall.
You scare me.
Never mind. This guy works here. I'll ask him. Excuse me, can you tell me what aisle Q-tips are in?
Q-tips? Umm... you know, cotton swabs?
Donde este la Q-tips?
That's ok. Thanks anyways.
I cannot believe you said that.
Why? That sounded like Spanish he was speaking.
How the hell would you know? You don't speak Spanish. He could be Haitian for all you know.
He's sooo not Haitian. Haitians speak French. I speak French. I would know if he was speaking French.
You most emphatically do not speak French.
Huh? I studied French. For years.
You dropped French. You switched majors because you didn't want to take anymore French.
Nevermind. And bugger the Q-tips.
Forget the Q-tips eh? So you've been here 20 minutes and have...?
Milk. This container of milk.
Why is there no pita bread to be had? A whole wall of bread..but no pita!
It's probably in another aisle. Try foreign foods.
Again, this is insane. Who designs these layouts? Who makes these decisions? Rainman?
Look there. See? Q-tips.
I see. Right next to the baby formula. First place I'd look.
Makes sense. Babies need Q-tips
It makes no mind of sense. Q-tips are for everyone.
Lookee here. People magazine says Lindsay Lohan is 'Young, Rich and in Love."
Hah. She's eighteen. She wouldn't know love if it jumped up and bit her on her ludicrous breasts. What the hell are her parent doing?
They're busy pimping her out.
That lady keeps bumping into me.
She's too busy talking on her cellphone to notice.
I notice. It's annoying.
Stay cool. The cashier is almost done.
I am cool. But that lady should put the phone away.
Why?
Her child is eating some sort of packaging material.
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